common misconceptions #3

It always has to be about you..

I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t like to admit this — if they even recognize it at all — but I’ll go ahead and say it:

I was a very selfish person for a long time, and I was completely oblivious to it.

Hear me out.

I grew up in a Jamaican household with a twin sister where we either had to dress alike or share things constantly. So when I got older and finally started making my own money and making my own decisions, the last thing on my mind was what I could do for other people.

As I got older, though, I started admiring people with genuinely giving hearts.

I saw it in my siblings.
I saw it in my mother.
I saw it in some of my friends.

At the same time, I also saw selfishness modeled by someone else in my household — which I won’t get into right now — but iykyk..

Needless to say, most of the people around me were giving people, but for some reason it never fully clicked in my mind that I, myself, was actually pretty self-centered.

That realization didn’t fully hit me until the past couple of years.

And honestly, I think it contributed to me struggling in both my platonic and romantic relationships.

What made me more aware of it was actually my job.

I found myself going above and beyond for patients — checking in on them, asking about their families, making sure they were okay, and genuinely caring about their well-being.

Then one day it hit me:
If I took even half of that same energy and poured it into the people I loved in my personal life, I think many of my relationships would improve.

That realization changed something in me.

The self-awareness came first.
Then came intentionality.
But execution? That part took work.

I started making a conscious effort to show up more for the people I love. To make them feel like they had my time, attention, and care.

Sometimes during my moments of self-isolation, I have to stop and ask myself:
“When was the last time I did something for someone else?”
“When was the last time I initiated the conversation?”
“When was the last time I checked in without being asked to?”

Do I do it perfectly?
No.

Am I always consistent?
Also no.

But do I genuinely try?
Yes.

And I try in ways that matter to them.

If that means sitting on the phone for two hours to listen to what’s going on in their life, I’ll do it.
If it means flying to New York or Atlanta after saying “this is my last trip,” just to put a smile on someone’s face, I’ll do it.
If it means sending a text message even when I don’t feel like talking, I’ll still try — because life is not always about me.

And that’s something I had to learn in adulthood.

It’s hard work, too. I’m not going to sit here and make it sound simple. It takes intentionality to nurture multiple relationships with people you deeply care about.

One thing that helps me is this:
If I think about someone, I try to reach out right then and there.

Am I great at it?
Not always.

But I will say this:
When you pray about becoming a better person, God has a funny way of reminding you what you asked Him for.

Sometimes I’ll tell myself I need to check on someone, procrastinate, and then suddenly they’ll reach out to me first. At this point, I honestly laugh when it happens because I know it’s God reminding me of the areas I said I wanted to work on and nurture better.

We all have busy lives.
Some people are working exhausting hours.
Some people are raising children.
Some people are trying to maintain relationships, careers, responsibilities, and their own mental health all at once.

But at the end of the day, if you have people in your life that you genuinely love and care about, make sure you don’t just tell them.

Make sure you make them feel it.

Because life is not only about you.

“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” — 1 John 3:18